Welcome to the Deep Web

Everyone has a time in life when they are speechless. Their jaws drop and their voice boxes stop functioning. When given this week's prompt, I had some issues, because despite my intro, I have no memory of this happening in my lifetime (this might be because not many things surprise me). Due to this issue I racked my brain to try to find some topic to type 100 words about and I decided that this topic is as close as I was going to get. I will now tell you of the day I chose to do some research. I was in my room. I was alone and bored. I had my laptop and Googled something, which led to a chain of events leading to me being on a website about the religion of worshipping Satan. After reading an explanation of how apparently "Satan is the one true God and he and his demons are not evil", I was  intrigued by this new way of thinking. Though I did not want to summon Satan's demons, I did Google another term. Everything I have said so far is irrelevant now. I stumbled upon a YouTube video titled "Deep Web's Top 10 Weird Things". This is where it all begins. I watched the video. My jaw dropped. The things I learned in that video were horrifying. They were scary and demented and cruel. The things from that video have scarred me for life. I learned that the deep web is a place where any illegal online transactions occurred. This web held anything from drug deals to assassin hiring to the Human Experiment (which you DO NOT want to search). This web held the scariest things that were all too real.These horrid acts would have never crossed my mind as things human beings would do, but they do, in fact, participate in these acts. Amy jaw dropped, I am terrified, and I just finished my blog so Goodnight everybody (Hannah Montana voice).

                                                   ----------A WARNING----------

For anyone who cares enough to read this, this is a story told in second person pint of view that is written to let you envision the after effects and consequences of suicide. This story mirrors how I feel to some extent, and you may feel the same or completely disagree with me or my story, it is okay. This story may be triggering for some readers, so if you are sensitive to any type of depression/suicidal/self-harming content, please do not read this.

 

It was only Tuesday and you had already had enough. You wanted it all to be over and you couldn't deal with the pain anymore. All those girls, they were just so mean to you. They always excluded you, not allowing you to feel accepted. They had spread rumors about you and told your friends not to be your friend, to join them instead. You wanted to leave school already, but you still had 10 minutes until the bus was ready to take you home. Then, you heard it. The bus screeched to a stop, opening the doors for the kids to pile in, fighting for the seat they wanted. You climbed in too and sat in the front, "where only the losers sit". Your house wasn't far from the school, but too far to walk, so the bus arrived quickly. When the bus stopped in front of your house, you got out. The bus drove away as you walked up your sidewalk, to your front porch. Then you faintly heard the kids next door laughing. You turned around and they were pointing at you and laughing. Great, you thought, more kids making fun of me is just what I need. You felt annoyed and sad. Then you got your key out, unlocked the door, and went into your house. Your parents were still at work and your sister was still at school. You started walking to the kitchen, but passed a mirror and stopped at it. Maybe they are right, maybe I am fat. The thought ran through your head and you changed your mind about that snack you wanted. Then you walked up the stairs to your room. There was a note on your door. "Clean your room you unappreciative brat" it read. Your mom had written it just for you. You walked in your room and lied on your bed. That was when your phone started beeping over and over and over again until you picked it up. You looked at it. There were over 20 notifications of your recent Instagram post. You clicked on one. "Cutie!!" your old friend had commented on your recent selfie. Then the next, "I wish I was as pretty as you #hottie" your little sister's friend commented. After reading those you felt happy and wanted more compliments to make you feel even greater. You kept scrolling. You got to the next one, "Ew gross. Stop polluting the internet with your ugliness". It was posted by the mean girl at your school. Even though there were two positive comments and only one negative, you went from happy to crying in a split second. Why would she say that? Am I really that ugly? You questioned yourself. You kept reading the comments though, thinking maybe there would be someone who stood up for you. The next on read "lol is that your attempt at being cute? #fail". Yet again, a mean one. You were crying so hard. You read the next one. "Do the world a favor and kill yourself. Slit your wrists or drink bleach or something, just get rid of yourself." You had cried so much your eyes were swollen. These kids were so mean, but why. "Why me?" you said aloud. "Why does everyone hate me? What is wrong with me?" You questioned yourself. Everyone was always so mean to you. They never invited you to go on trips with them and always rubbed it in your face that you couldn't go. They wouldn't sit with you at lunch, they wouldn't share their books with you, they wouldn't even acknowledge you were there unless they were being mean. There was the one mean girl, and her army of minions and they terrorized you. You had enough. You just couldn't take it anymore. You lied on your bed, thinking of everything that had happened that day. You think of sitting at lunch alone, the names you were called, the fights with your best friend and mom, and the comments you read on your social media. You think of how hard to try, to fit in, to be happy. You ask yourself what is wrong with you. You think of how you smile everyday, hiding the pain, but then you realize, a fake smile can only get you so far. You think about how all those girls would feel if you actually did die, and you wonder what the looks on their faces would be. You convince yourself that they would be happy and that you aren't worth their time. You think about how that's all they want anyway. You want to try it, see how they feel. You crack. You started crying as hard as possible, thinking of everything they had done. You think about how if you don't act on this now, you never will. You decided to take the shortcut out. You chose pills because you knew you wouldn't be able to physically do something painful, and you wanted to go peacefully. You took your dad's pain medication into your room with a bottle of water. You put them on your desk and took out a notepad and a pen. You didn't have much time, but you jotted out a note to your parents and sister, "Hello family. I am sorry about this whole thing. I know you tried to help at times, but there was nothing you could do. No one loves me. No one cares. I know you tried to love me, and I want you to know this isn't your fault," You put it on your desk and take the pills and water. You pour the pills into your hand and take them all. Then you lie on your bed, crying harder than ever. Your stomach starts aching and you start feeling dizzy, then sleepy. Then it hits you, you are going to be that kid. The one who kills themselves "over a stupid argument", the "attention seeker. You question whether this will help anything or not, but it is too late to turn back now. You think about your family then pass out. You were unconscious for a few minutes before your heard stopped beating. That was it. You were gone, and there was no turning back. Your pain was over and your issues were solved. Then the front door opened. It was your family. "Honey we're home." they called out. They yelled it a few times before starting to worry. Your dad came jogging up the stairs and opened your door. His face turned pale and he immediately started crying. He called for your mom and your mother and sister came into your room. Your mom screamed and started crying so, so hard. She saw her precious baby lying on the ground, dead. You hit her so hard, she fell on her knees, praying to God this was a joke. Her baby couldn't have died, but you did. Your dad calls 911 and your sister, too young to understand, asks what's wrong. Your school and friends are notified, your school and town in shock. That sweet little neighborhood girl just killed herself. Everyone was quiet for days. Everyone cried. That teacher that gave you the bad grade blamed herself, thinking that if she had given you a better grade, you wouldn't have had such a rough day. She quit teaching. Your best friend thought it was her fault too, because of that fight you two had. She started drinking and stopped caring about making friends, because her best friend in the whole wide world had killed herself. That mean girl who made your life hell, she knew she had played a huge role in your depression and death. She killed herself too, thinking if she killed you, she deserved to die as well. Then there were your parents. The people who raised you and loved you. They couldn't get the image of your dead body out of their minds. Your mom would wake up from nightmares every single night, nightmares of discovering your body over and over again. Your mom and dad blame themselves and each other and grow further and further apart. Your family is breaking, leaving your sister all alone. Your Instagram photo was covered in comments of apologies and regrets. The issue with that was, you weren't there to see it, to see all the people that care about you. It's funny when you're dead, how people start listening. If only all those mean people would have given you a chance in the beginning. Your little sister grew up wishing you were there for her to talk to, wishing she still had a big sister to hold her. So many people loved you, and the worst part is that they are only showing it now that you are gone. You actually had people who loved you, and now you can't see it.

The point of this is to tell you that suicide is most definitely not the answer to anything. There are so many amazing opportunities and things ahead of you, and you can't experience those things if you are gone. There are so many people who love you and care about you, and killing yourself would devastate those people. If times get hard, think about how everyone would actually feel, despite what you think now. Suicide is a sad alternative that one should not indulge in.

 

This blog entry was inspired by Jack Baran, otherwise known as thatsojack on YouTube. He created a video in April of 2012. The video he uploaded was an inspirational video titled "It Gets Better". He made this video to "help prevent people from feeling like suicide is their way out" (in his own words). Though my story is not identical to his, we share the same theme and other similar aspects, so he deserves some credit for inspiring me. The link to his video is https://youtu.be/9doKlyqDM9g

Sun Part 1

   The autumn breeze blew the falling leaves onto the street. The leaves had millions of colors about them that only made the street appear more seasonal. The pumpkins on the doorsteps had carved faces letting candlelight seep onto the dark porch. The sun was setting in brilliant shades of pink and purple. As it grew darker, it seemed as if the sun was leaving forever and would never return, but as we knew from ongoing experience, it would return and bring its beautiful light again. 
    The porch light was off and the front door was closed. The windows lit, but no one inside to enjoy the light. The beautiful, beautiful light. The light was an amazing gift that they didn't appreciate. I do not like it when people do not appreciate the wonderful gifts life blesses us with. Taking something for granted is one of the worst sins a man can commit. The woman was just lying in her bed, in her dark room, wasting the light from the sunset and the rest of her house. She didn't deserve the precious light.
    


    In another life, I might have accepted the ignorance and terrible selfishness of this life, of these people, but in this life, I do not. If one can not appreciate the most simple things like light, how can they appreciate more complex things like love? The entire human race takes simple things like light, water, and air for granted and they truly cannot fathom how needed these things are until they loose them. What would happen if the sun were to disappear? Everyone would eventually die and wish for their dying family that the sun would return. They should have appreciated it while they had it. Now they have nothing.
    You may be wondering why I care at all about whether or not other people respect and love and appreciate the light the sun brings us, but what started it was only a minor part of my life.

Being unique is putting a curse on yourself.

I believe that being unique is a bad quality. 

When you are a child, people tell you to be different. People will tell you that the thing you hate about yourself  "make you unique" or "make you who you are" and they say it like its such an amazing thing to be different. This is probably the most inaccurate piece of information I ever heard as a child. When you grow up, being unique is not what is good. Being unique is bad. Being different gets you bullied and makes people be mean to you. Being unique doesn't let you fit in with the popular girls so instead you are stuck sitting at the table of outcasts at lunch. Outcasts=unique people. You don't want to be bullied, so you don't want to be different. Being the same gets you friends and popularity points and NOT bullied. If you are the same as the mean girls and all their friends, you get to be part of their group instead of getting bullied by their group. 

Things as irrelevant as your shoes can get you hated on. If all the popular kids at school have Birkenstocks and you have super cool shoes from Africa, no one is going to care that your shoes are from Africa. All anyone will see is that you aren't wearing the cool shoes so you must be  loser. People are cruel but inequality over something as stupid as shoes is stupid. 

If every popular girl at the school i blonde and the new girl is brunette, she won't fit in with them so they won't like her so she will become an outcast just like that. Poof, your hair ruined the next 4 years of your life.

Being unique is a curse, don't curse yourself.

9-15-15

A woman came up to me the other day and asked me a question that I think about bvery frequently. She asked me, "If you were to die today, where would you go?". She was asking a biblical question refering to whether I would go to Heaven with God or Hell with Satan. The thing about answering this question, is that I don't know where I would go, nor does anyone else. I presume a strong believing Christian woman could say she read the bible five times over and goesa to church every sunday and prays an awful lot, but she can't say she will die and go to Heaven as a fact. It is a belief that you will go to Heaven, not a positive fact that can't change or be wrong. What if there isn't even a real Heaven and all the people who wrote the bible were just delusional fools who claimed there was a voice in their head telling them to write the "Bible". Or maybe they were all just schizophrenic and called the voices "God" because the voices directed them as a God would. There is no actual proof of Heaven at all, nor Hell so how can you know what happens when you die? Maybe there is a God but he reincarnates you so you'll live a million lives. No one knows, and no one will know until they die.

Chapters 6 and 7

The "sign that came down from the world of grown-ups" was a corpse attached to a parachute from the plane. It was a sign that opened the boys' eyes to the seriousness of their circumstance. It showed them that no matter what they do, they will not be able to control whether or not they get rescued. This part of the book it extremely important because it is the part of the book where the boys finally realize their incident is not a joke and can not be taken lightly. The boys finally understand they can not joke around anymore and need to buckle down and get to work or they will not live. Finally, the boys realize that this is all about survival and if you do not survive, then you should have tried harder.

Chapter 5

”He found himself understanding the wearisome of life, where every path was an improvisation and a considerable part of one's waking life was spent looking at one's feet.”



I think that this quote refers to how most of one's life is spent looking down and not looking around and appreciating what is around us. We as humans are oblivious to the majority of our lives. Even though we may not notice, our lives are a blur and we can not help but to go through life and not “smell the roses” as we have heard the saying as children. Our lives are a state of confusion and the majority of the human race lives their whole live in that state of mind. This quote tells how this is actually how people live and it is normal. Everyone gets distracted or does not pay attention sometimes. Everyone gets unsocial sometimes and does not want to talk to everyone else or want to just listen to music. No one notices everything and no one always knows what is going on. People go through life confused and do not view and appreciate all the little things. This is natural. Though it is very sad, we truly can not fully change it. 

Chapter 4

At the beginning of the book, I thought there needed to be a leader and there needed to be assigned jobs and everyone needed to follow along with Ralph's ideas. After reading chapter 4, I changed my mind. In chapter 4, Jack kills his first pig, brags about the gore, and forgets to keep the fire going so it went out and a passing ship did not see them. Ralph blamed Jack for his issues with keeping the fire alive, and Jack felt bad and apologized. This shows that Jack doesn't respect Ralph as a leader and doesn't follow the guidelines on how the jobs were distributed. This made me decide that leadership is not necessary on the island. If there is a fight with dominance then the other people who want to become leaders like Ralph will not obey Ralph's rules as a guide for the rest of the boys. Leadership is not necessary unless the leader can have the other people obey, if not then the leader's position is worthless and unnecessary. There must be an agreement among all the people for a government to work. Reading how Jack and Ralph's conflict affected the group, I do not believe leadership or government is necessary any longer.

Dear Auntie,
Hello Auntie. How have you been? Is the war over yet? I miss you so much Auntie. I am sorry I have not been able to write lately, I'm sure you have been worried sick. Our plane crashed. It was shot down on our way to the safe place. We didn't even make it to wherever we were heading. When our plane crashed, we ended up on a small island in the middle of nowhere. It isn't inhabited and it seems as if the other boys and I are the only animals, besides a few pigs. I do not like the other boys Auntie. They are not nice to me. Whenever I have good ideas, they don't even respect me enough to give me the effort to listen. They call me Piggy, you know how I hate being called Piggy. I really don't like it here. There is not much food here either. There are a few pigs, if we get the nerve to kill them, and some fruits and trees. I miss your candies Auntie. I really wish I could come home to you and eat your candies and be away from these boys. I love and miss you.

Love, "Piggy"

Life Without Grown-Ups

What if we lived in a world with no adults? Well, in one word, the word would be chaos. There would be no one to make or enforce rules. There wouldn't be anyone to care for the children so they might hurt themselves or another child. If there were teenagers, they might be capable to care for some children, but teenagers running the world would have its own problems.
In a world where teenagers make the rules, there wouldn't be much equality or sense behind rules. Teenagers brains aren't adapt for extreme leadership or major decision making. Letting a group of teens run everything would become a fight for power, and be similar to giving a toddler a remote to set off a bomb. The baby might not destruct everything, but it is well within its hands to do so, and it would be most likely to press the big red button of doom and destruction.

Children and teens can not feed themselves. Though they can rob stores or find a garden, children aren't capable of keeping the world fed for long periods of time. Life with no adults might be fun for the first day or week after they disappeared, but it wouldn't be fun after we ran into problems mommy and daddy always solve for you.

“Sometimes people are born with disabilities, but it's communities that handicap them.” I feel like this quote is extremely true. People may be born with disabilities such as autism or fetal alcohol syndrome or down-syndrome, but it is society that tells them their differences are bad things. Instead of making people with unfortunate disabilities comfortable and like everyone else, we label them “handicapped” or “retarded”. Just like having different colored skin or eyes, everyone is different and having your brain work differently is no exception.


In The Curious Incident of the Missing Dog at Night-time, Christopher has Asperger's Syndrome. Christopher might like things in a certain way and be uncomfortable with bodily contact but this doesn’t mean he has to be labeled and turned into something people pity. Christopher is a person like all others and he doesn't need to be labeled with names that restrict him in any way.



This is something all disabled children face. Instead of being treated like normal children, they are diagnosed and labeled and put into separate groups as everyone else. How would that make you feel? Getting excluded because your brain works differently? You probably wouldn't like it, and neither would I. This is why I agree with and believe the quote.